It’s been a couple of months since I started streaming my World of Tanks shenanigans at Twitch.tv. In my last post I was talking about feeling awfully tired and burned out and this was meant to be a way to clear my mind, keep me busy and fight my inner demons in the darkest of times.
There is a thing Amanda Palmer said about how it feels double-y bad being a content creator of sorts going through a particularly rough patch or depression and not being able to create. It stuck with me because it felt so true. I didn’t produce a calendar for 2017, I didn’t take any photos for months, I was sitting in my bed while I felt an obligation to be out there and create. An obligation to use said darkness to make good art and produce and it felt like a horrible waste. I had time at my hands, the darkness was real but there was no vitality. So the idea was of course to use something that didn’t feel like work to gain structure and maybe even energy back.
To no one’s surprise the plan didn’t work like I thought it would. Go figure! But then again I at least managed to keep up my schedule, which impressed myself the most. It helped that a few regulars started to show up to my streams and I felt obliged to deliver to them. Remember the fraud police we were talking about? Yesterday I got my invitation to be an affiliate. #feelsGoodMan
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In June I went on a short trip with some friends from work to chill at the Baltic Sea and work – true hipster style – with our notebooks in cafés. The result is that I managed to find the energy to finish the landing page/micro site for my business portraits. I started working on this page in December but couldn’t do anything about it for months. Thanks to René and Kenny for taking me on this trip. Head over to http://headshot.mattiseidel.com/ if you are interested in seeing how this turned out.
I am in a better place than I was six months before. The change is still fragile and I need to make sure to not stop going this way of making depression my bitch. Day by day, step by step. But I am putting things out there and maybe they will come back. Maybe one of these things will be the big one. Maybe, after all there will somehow be a „Haus am See“ for me. Or maybe not. It’s not important because I am creating things again. But tob honest I am also ready for good things to find me anyway.